I've just returned from the other side of time, and I have things to report. This is 2023 in a nutshell, as far as I can recollect. Time travel fucks up your memory, so there may be discrepancies, but this is what y'all should expect.
Putin dies of natural causes. The power vacuum in Russia claims he was assassinated, and they try to use this as a justification to nuke New York. Fortunately, the power struggle consumes Moscow. The Chechnyians and the Ukrainians form a united front while CIA operatives adorn Taiwanese uniforms and go yellow face as they start to chip away at Russia's borders. A special unit forms and positions itself in Taiwan after a rapid victory aided by Drones that sprays liquid LSD and ketamine over the Russian camps. China becomes a cuck country again after they try to raid japan but fail in an embarrassing fashion.
The Azov battalion will attempt a coup while the Russian government's in shambles. Zelensky will be forced to move to Hollywood and resume acting to pay for his wife's Dior and Balenciaga addiction. He will win an Emmy for his role in the real working dads of LA.
Greta Tunberg will be cancelled for taking private jets to the Swiss alps, where she keeps her feeble-minded cousin in the Ritz, where she sexually violates it. The CCP, in an attempt to stretch their global reach, releases the depraved sex tape during the Super Bowl halftime show. If you thought Lady Gaga' was engaging in sexual satanic worship and corrupted the youth in droves, wait till you get a load of this.
Elon will start dating a pre-op trans woman and will find himself back in the good graces of society by the end of next fall. Twitter will be saved by Lex Friedman, Mr. Beast and SBF as he attempts his altruism from jail (he doesn't actually do anything, but he has blackmail on MR beast, so his name gets attached to the final product). It's like that kid in uni who doesn't do shit during the final group project but threatens to tell the TA that you spend smoke breaks smoking blunts and bumping K.
The Saudi royal family will help bust the next gay club shooter out of prison, starting a proxy war where Israel steps up to the plate and the Mossad poisons the entire royal family, ROME style.
Men in heels will replace the conversation of men in skirts.
Joe Bidden will start doing heroin, which will give him a new reason to live, and he experiences an increase in cognitive capacity.
The CIA replaces Jeffery Epstein with Chris Delia.
EEATO wins best picture. Marty and Joe Pesci shoot up the Oscars with paint ball guns.
Bond walks Paris and finesses his way onto the TIFF red carpet
Body positivity dies because everyone over the weight of 320 lbs dies during the resurgence of COVID
Andrew Tate attempts to create a breakaway society and is killed by an ISIS sniper who's worried that Tate is stealing personnel from their recruitment pool
Girls learn that in a post METoo society, they have to make the first move if anyone has a chance at happiness
Pet rocks will become the hot ticket item and will be sold on SSENSE for 110$ a pop (the goup girl might be involved)
Kanye will regain sanity after Chris Tucker and David Lynch take him on an ayahuasca retreat, while several other celebrities enter their own 14 month breakdown.
The faux spiritual (privileged) white woman will become the target of hate as they bitch about their position if life after failing to make any personal improvements that foster career growth or the ability to make connections outside of their echo chamber. These woman will resort to the blatant abuse of Ambien and Oxy at an obscene rate (just like their mothers) as they suddenly find themselves both broke and broken. But hey, we have a new sex and the city show, with all these fucked up trust fund dolls, so we peasants will have new entertainment.
Crypto and cannabis will be fucked for two more years
The metaverse will fail, and Zuk takes refuge in Bezo's mountain top castle as he's too ashamed to face the world. He starts getting ridiculous gains as he wants to knock out every person on the earth and force the metaverse upon them as they struggle to regain consciousness.
Tech workers will be out of work at a higher rate than any other industry, and they will emerge at the forefront of the push for UBI
Tim Dillion asserts himself as king of the Hamptons as portions of the states enter a wave of secessions (Texas stays, Vermont, Washington, and certain gated community counties are the first to go)
Canadians wake up to the fact that our country sucks. The last two seasons of the handmaids tail help enlighten us to this fact.
anyways, here’s some tunes to ring in the new year
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